Hello Friends
After a 3yr Hiatus I'm finally back! 😊
I'm so sorry for leaving all y'all high and dry but I'll be a better and regular artist of DeviantArt now.
I probably left with everybody wondering what happened to me and I'll explain but first, there are sensitive subject that I went through so I'll put a warning before the sensitive bit.
I'll start with my last journal entry and continue to today...
I lost a close friend of mine to diabetes and had a hard time handling it.
I had family problems involving my father having multiple affairs and making this family of 11's life a living hell. It also ripped my fragile relationship with my mother to pieces, ultimately leading to my mother kicking me out of the small room of the garage... I was homeless for only 1 day thank the lord before I moved in to my friends house on his small ranch.
The suicide hotline knocked on my door looking for my Mom. I found her on the floor of my sisters room, crying and holding a gun in her hand...
My brother and I lost my mare Mesa to a horrible colic episode and my gelding had an abscess in his leg that took 6 months of night/day care and many many vet bills...
Mesa May
2001-2019
WARNING! SENSITIVE SUBJECT!
But through all of this, hardest thing I struggled with was Me.
I struggled with extreme Self-Hatred which resulted in Self-Harm, Eating Disorders, Depression and Anxiety since I was 13yrs old... Every time I made a mistake, hurt someone, didn't live up to my high expectation... I hurt myself, everyday, every way.
My lowest was when I was 18yr, I wrote my Will along with a suicide note and harmed myself more than I have. I don't know what happened but something snapped and I terrified myself, I was so scared... I finally called my friend and got help, after 5yrs of hiding in hole I dug myself.
WARNING! SENSITIVE SUBJECT DONE!
In 2020, I lost my job due to COVID-19 driving the farm out of business and struggled to find another job...
The heartache and the pain of trying to mend what's left of my family without walking through a minefield...
And that's about it.
On a happier note! I'm so glad I got help before 2020, I honestly don't think I would've made it through it going down the path I was on without the support I have. Even though I still struggle and slip up sometimes, I'm forever grateful for the people who care about me and keep me in check.
I'm in such a good place now! I'm so happy! 💕 I'm working on being healthy, working out regularly and just overall trying to be a good healthy fun person.
I started a small Horseback training program teaching people to ride and perform with horses that I am so proud of and I also been trying to build a small business in traditional art to live off of. Selling designs on RedBubble for stickers and T-Shirt!. I only have corgi designs (after my puppy Willy!) but I'll have many designs to come!
https://www.redbubble.com/people/KarnelianKallie/shop?asc=u
I'm hoping to save up for a proper camera and artist station for videos and such on Instagram/YouTube through commissions, donations and support!
I'm working on my poor comic "REMEDY" I abandoned and I can't wait to let you guys see!
Thank you for everyone who stuck around with me!
Remedy is back on track
I am redoing the first page so I'm starting right back at the start.I am so sorry it has taken so long and I thank those who have been patient with me
Long time no see...
First of all... I want to apologize to all of you for the promises I've broken and my absences, you guys deserve an explanation...
I just... have to much on my plate right now, bit more off than I could chew... this whole year has been nothing but pain and misery for me.
I'm sorry if this sounds scattered or all over the place (my emotions are getting the better of me) but recently my world has hit an all time low...
First of all, most of y'all know I am a very shy person. I have anxiety issues and I go through serious bouts of depression. I lost confidence in my drawing skills and I just couldn't get out of the funk I was in. I had to drop most of my digital commissions and a book cover. I gave up on the comic I was working on and I was just so lost that I probably wouldn't even be here if I hadn't gotten help from a friend.
My calf that was given to me got killed by wild dogs and I almost lost my horse to founder.
I found out about a month ago that my dad has been having an affair for nine years with the last person I would've thought. He's been spinning lies to both me and my mom, screwing up our relationship and making us hate each other. This destroyed my mom... It has absolutely torn my family apart. I'm devastated...
But as of now
A really close friend of mine, I swear she's like a second mother to me. I've been caring for the past two years (She has diabetes and a severely weak heart) Is dying and only has a couple days to live... She's at the point where she can't recognize some of her close friends and doesn't make any sense. And this all happened in just a week.
This is very hard to write at the moment but ya... I've been nonstop bawling all day and just see her family in so much pain, I can't take it. Its just waiting for her to pass and I know she's scared and in pain and I just freaking take it...
My great grandpa has bone cancer. My whole family (mine and my grandmas) went to visit him for a month, but I had to stay behind for work and for my friend. So I'm battling all this by myself right now.
I won't be doing any digital art, at least for now I'm sorry to say, I just can't. My confidence is gone and I'm just too broken. I'm sorry I've disappointed and let all of you guys down.
I will be doing the Undertale Inktober challenge though, to keep myself occupied. I won't be able to post them cause my camera is broken but I'm doing it lol, but I will post them as soon as I can. I've been doing very well selling my traditional/equestrian art (thats where I've been XD) almost as well as a part time job so... If you want me to post that side of my art, tell me... I may start posting more (Don't expect a constant flow tho) but only if you want to see it. If I don't get many yeses, I won't bother.
Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry for the long mess
Here I am
Finals are over and it is now art season!
I will be posting new content at least twice a week!
I will also be posting my comic in a few days too! So buckle up!
And if you guys could, it would be awesome if you could support me and my art
It would mean the world to me!
Commissions will be coming soon!
So next week, the Ranch Sorting I've been competing is coming to an end and I finally have Spring Break! So I'll be throwing a LOT of commissions and I'll be slowly getting back into the summer job I love!
Thank you so much for sticking through with me, it means so much to me and fills me with determination!
